I attended college not for the traditional lessons of English, Science, Mathematics, or Business. No, I attended college almost expressly for the purpose of getting blind drunk and wasting tuition dollars. It wasn’t until the 5th or 6th time that the University asked me to leave that my parents clued in on this fact and roped my ass back home. In my brief matriculation at said University, I decided that my goal would be to spend my days processing cattle, breaking horses, and cutting the cojones off of baby pigs. Yes, I opted for the Large Animal Veterinary route. Our classes were often spent in the hot sun, being eaten alive by horseflies, and elbow deep in cattle. Literally. Up to our elbows.. in a live animal. I’ll allow your imaginations to fill in the rest of the details. Fortunately, myself and several of my classmates had a deep love for 86 cent beers and 1 dollar pizza slices. As such, we would meet hours before class to prepare ourselves for the afternoon ahead. What I’m trying to say is, we would get super drunk before heading out to the farm.

After a few years of drunkenly roping, herding, and generally molesting animals in the name of science, I felt pretty comfortable with huge farm beasts. Not only was I comfortable with the farmer’s daughters, but the horses, cattle, sheep, and pigs too.

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