This summer has been pretty awesome so far. It’s been all flipcup tournaments, truck pools, and barbecue. My favorite party of the year has yet to come, and hopefully I’ll actually pull it off before we run out of summer. I’m building an enormous slip n’ slide, and to be honest… there’s absolutely nothing safe about it. A friend of mine has volunteered his farm for the project, and the slide and ramp are dead in the middle of a huuuuge hayfield. Unless you want to walk a few hundred feet every time you want a beer, it’s going to require several coolers. That’s fine.. but a pain in the ass to maintain.

<Insert Segue Here>

Sooooo….. that brings us to yesterday, where we were all sitting around the smoker and salivating over the idea of delicious baby back rib goodness. My friend with the farm, got a call from someone trying to unload a couple of miniature donkeys. He was a bit apprehensive at first, but after a bit of crowd persuasion…. he agreed to take them on.

You see…. we have lucked our way into a solution for our little cooler versus distance problem. I propose to you…. the minibeerdonkey. It’s as easy as a couple of 5-gallon buckets and some modified saddlebags. I’m not sure if two 5-gallon buckets full of beer are too much to load onto a single mini-donkey, but we’ve got a full size donkey for proof of concept and design scaling. The next step, and possibly the more difficult one… is training the donkeys to come when you call them. I’m sure that it’ll be a couple of weeks worth of training, but donkeys are pretty smart. I have faith in them. They will help me to realize my Utopian vision of a mobile beer cooler. I long for the day that I can stand in the middle of a field, and a single whistle will bring me two coolers full of beer. I’m so excited. Like, Jesse Spano excited.

I’m also excited, because I might have to walk one of these things on the downtown mall. There are way bigger dogs on the mall, so I don’t see why I shouldn’t be able to bring a donkey. If nothing else, it will be a lot of fun driving around town with a donkey leaning his head out of the Jeep windows.

I guess that was only really one, maybe two uses for a miniature donkey. What else can you guys think of?

No weekend update? Hold on,I gots this…

Weather
Its gonna be hot as hades and twice as humid. Day, night, it doesn’t matter. You will feel sticky all the damn time. God forbid you have to do something physical. My advice? If you aren’t underwater you should be indoors. Drink fluids if your religion allows this.

Weekend
Friday
Doesn’t matter your options, you are gonna do the same damn thing again, aren’t you? Mall, bars, dinners, parcheesi, translating Welsh sea shanties into Olde English… whatever it is that you usually do, you’ll just do it again. Don’t front, I know how you roll.

Saturday
With the exception of the World Cup at 3pm, this will pretty much be a rehash of Friday in which you go to that joint for dinner, or hang out with those friends, or see that band at that bar. I mean its Charlottesville, we just fucking rock like that! Its like a vast and endless conveyor belt of awesome.

Sunday
Do I even have to go there? I mean you get the theme right? Its father’s day, so you should probably take him out to brunch (I hear they are having a special on scampi at jiffy lube) or call him or something right? Bring him to story time. Sure he has his quirks, but over all he’s a pretty cool guy and doesn’t afraid of anything. But other than that, its pretty much just another sunday.

If I missed anything, feel free to let me know, and I wont add it as I find computers to be an anathema on weekends. But it will be in the comments and thats basically just as good. Hell it will probably be the top comment til next thursday!

Ahem.

Now that I have that out of my system, here’s my prescription: try something new. Seriously. Contact an old friend, talk to a stranger, smile at somebody, dig that there is fruit and baby flowers basically everywhere this time of year, go somewhere else – maybe somewhere out of your comfort zone… Honestly, I am beginning to realize its not the restaurants, bars, clubs, bands, city council, street musicians, cliquishness, economy, environment, bricks, weeklies, blogs, universities, parking, noise, or any other damn thing that makes this town like some sort of mobius strip wearing an all enveloping wool sweater. No sir. It is us, running in our little rabbit runs. I say we should be the change. This idea is still a zygote, but i think it has potential. Besides, since Golden Coral shut down, we are pretty much naked and on our on. So. Who’s with me?

Jeez… it’s slow around here.

I’ve been pretty busy outside of the site, and work has required those valuable blog hours for actual work stuff. What’s been going on with you guys? Did anyone catch any of those shows this past weekend? Any awesome parties? I stopped to help a broken down car on Friday night, and ended up spending the rest of the evening deep in the projects fixing more cars and meeting some awesome new friends. It was one of the most fun Friday nights evAr.

Other than that….. it’s pretty much been boozin’ as usual.

Oh! One more thing that deserves a shout out. I don’t usually recommend that you guys go to Rapture… but I’m totally gonna do just that right now. Go to Rapture Wednesday night! IllVille Crew is playing, and that is a crazy fun show. I’ll be there! Is anyone else planning to go?!?

Well…..The cat is out of the bag. We were all really drunk on Cristal last week, and we slipped up. We let you guys know that we’re raking in that cashmoney these days.

I guess it wasn’t really a surprise for some of you. Ever since it started, I’ve been paying for my bar tabs, dinners, and grocery store trips by making it rain. And let me tell you… the money.. it doesn’t just change those that have it. It changes those that don’t, too. What’s the big deal Food Lion clerk? You were happy to make conversation back when I was paying for my beer with a credit card… but now that I’m raining paper on you at the register… you just glare contemptuously? What’s up with all the jealousy? It’s a good thing you don’t have money like this. You’d probably be really obnoxious with it.

Thankfully, we’re pretty humble people, so we’re not going to be all nouveau riche about it. If you see one of us at the bar; don’t be afraid to ask us to buy you a drink. We like to share it with the little people. At the very least, we’ll probably wad up a ball of $20’s and throw them at you or tell you to dance for it.

With all of the newfound fame, riches, and attention that we are having to deal with, some of us are hiring assistants and forming entourages. Please submit your application and list any pertinent skills below. Exotic dancing experience is a plus.

What lyric speaks to you the most? For me, it’s probably:

I see miracles all around me
Stop and look around, it’s all astounding
Water, fire, air and dirt
Fucking magnets, how do they work?
And I don’t wanna talk to a scientist
Y’all motherfuckers lying, and getting me pissed

Hey!

I don’t know if you guys know, but today is kind of a big deal. Loki has returned from a long trip to the desert, and has brought home the gold. Not only did he totally and absolutely attend Burning Man, but he totally won that shit too.

So please, join me in the comments below and take this opportunity to congratulate Loki on his big news!

I’ll start.

Of course there are a lot of positives – a steady paycheck, benefits, maybe even some cute Jenna Fischer clone to have a witty repartee with. Unfortunately the Jenna Fischer clone is completely unrealistic. Even if there is one she never stays long.

Cut the Cubicle Umbilical Cord: The Seven Traits of the Free Man

YES. Really.
§ 18.2-344. Fornication.
Any person, not being married, who voluntarily shall have sexual intercourse with any other person, shall be guilty of fornication, punishable as a Class 4 misdemeanor.

If you’re a drunk, they can deny you booze until they see fit
§ 4.1-333. Interdiction of intoxicated driver or habitual drunkard.
A. When after a hearing upon due notice it appears to the satisfaction of the circuit court of any county or city that any person, residing within such county or city, has been convicted of driving any automobile, truck, motorcycle, engine or train while intoxicated or has shown himself to be an habitual drunkard, the court may enter an order of interdiction prohibiting the sale of alcoholic beverages to such person until further ordered….

Careful how you write about your ex girlfriend (if she’s chaste)
§ 18.2-417. Slander and libel.
Any person who shall falsely utter and speak, or falsely write and publish, of and concerning any female of chaste character, any words derogatory of such female’s character for virtue and chastity, or imputing to such female acts not virtuous and chaste, or who shall falsely utter and speak, or falsely write and publish, of and concerning another person, any words which from their usual construction and common acceptation are construed as insults and tend to violence and breach of the peace or shall use grossly insulting language to any female of good character or reputation, shall be guilty of a Class 3 misdemeanor.

Not sure why you would want to but…
§ 20-28. Penalty for celebrating marriage without license.
If any person knowingly perform the ceremony of marriage without lawful license, or officiate in celebrating the rites of marriage without being authorized by law to do so, he shall be confined in jail not exceeding one year, and fined not exceeding $500.

No, you can’t clone your girlfriend to have a 3-way
§ 32.1-162.22. Human cloning prohibited; civil penalty.
A. No person shall (i) perform human cloning or (ii) implant or attempt to implant the product of somatic cell nuclear transfer into a uterine environment so as to initiate a pregnancy or (iii) possess the product of human cloning or (iv) ship or receive the product of a somatic cell nuclear transfer in commerce for the purpose of implanting the product of somatic cell nuclear transfer into a uterine environment so as to initiate a pregnancy.

And don’t try to get freaky either.
§ 18.2-361. Crimes against nature; penalty.
A. If any person carnally knows in any manner any brute animal, or carnally knows any male or female person by the anus or by or with the mouth, or voluntarily submits to such carnal knowledge, he or she shall be guilty of a Class 6 felony.

You may not hunt from an airplane.
§ 5.1-17. Use of aircraft for hunting.
It shall be unlawful for any person to hunt, pursue or kill any wild waterfowl or other birds or animals by any means whatever during such time as such person is in flight in an aircraft in the airspace over the lands or waters of this Commonwealth. A violation of this section shall be deemed a misdemeanor.