TXTNLY » Craigslist fun

B’Yo craigslist free for all… Pt III

belmont yo — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:55:02 +0000

Novice CL kidnapper/stalker/creep seeks extremely patient victim.
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Seeing as my life has gotten into a bit of a routine of late, I thought I might shake things up and try some new things socially. And what better place to shake things up than on good old craigslist personals? What better place indeed. As I have been doing my dutiful research for this new endeavor, it has occurred to me that only two types of folks seem to permeate this forgotten little corner of the internet. There are the porn site / traps / blackmail schemes on the women’s side, and the men of dubious character and intent on the other. Yes, I realize that there await blowjobs a’ plenty over in m4m, and the occasional grad student “looking to explore” over in w4w, but seeing as I was born with external genitalia, specifically of the nature that is aroused by folks of the opposite sex, those two segments of this lovely population are of rather little use to me. Interesting, and oft very amusing, to be true but of very little utility. Well, I dont run a porn, or any internet site for that matter, so posing as a nubile young sybarite looking for NSA fun from older overweight hairy men will do me no good. I am sure that by now you can see this leaves me with only one remaining option – stalker creepy guy of dubious intent. In life this would not be my first choice for a variety of reasons, but as they say, the only is the only, so soldier on I will and must.

The trouble with being shunted into this central casting character type, is that I find myself woefully unprepared. And this, dear potential victims, is the understatement of the year. Allow me to elucidate.

I have scrutinized the ad rituals in my little pigeon hole and observed several dominant themes. First and foremost, apparently I must lie about nearly everything. The most prevalent lie seems to be that of omission, mostly in the form of extremely short blunt ads. It were as if these suitors were of such an urgency to find their juliet (or juliet for the night as the case may be), that they had not the time to even toss a few meager punctuation marks into their little ascii text box for good measure. Im sure this serves the purpose of not having to mention their extensive criminal record, their extra limb, their collection of finch carcasses or some other delicate yet deal breaking fact, but still. Is a complete sentence too much to ask in the name of love, or at least lust? As you have no doubt garnered by now, I have a tendency to be quite verbose, languishing over lascivious language being a penchant of mine. Clearly, obscurity through brevity is not an option for me. A pity, really.

But enough of things that are short yet should be long, let us address the converse, which is lie number two. It seems a common enough tradition of us in the M4W tab to produce, in all it’s pixellated glory, a stunning representation of our penis. Well, *a* penis anyway, as usually these are detached from any sort of context. I certainly have no sense of shame when it comes to my body, and am rather fond of my penis actually, but a general sense of decency precludes me from providing such a display to you all en masse. Any of my previous lovers were certainly welcome to capture its image to their Mapplethorpe-y heart’s content. But here? Now? Well, I told you I was a novice. I suppose I could borrow one from a gay porn site or some such, there certainly seems to be no shortage of a range of body parts on the internet, but the thought of wading through the multitudes of denuded scrotundae and glistening shafts of light is frankly, a bit off putting tome at the moment. I hope you will forgive my lapse in this additional area.

Ah and the lapses continue to pile up…

I could lie about being single, but seeing as I am actually single, it’s acuity as a lie is, well, ridiculous. Similarly, I could lie about having a decent, somewhat interesting professional job, being college educated, owning my own home, being tall and fit, all my hair and teeth, being socially at ease in any milieu… but… oh what the hell. Damn it.

Hmm, there must be something. Ooohh I got it! I am fabulously rich beyond your wildest dreams, and not at all on a rather middle class budget. Also, I am a non smoker, and dont at all enjoy the occasional cigarette at a respectable distance from anyone that may be offended by such behavior. There. There’s two at least. That should count for something.

So then, thats about the best CV I can muster as an aspiring CL stalker creepy guy of dubious intent. I suppose I should say a few words regarding my interests in a potential victim. How difficult! First off, if you actually would like to be kidnapped, I am afraid I cannot oblige you seeing as my basement is unfinished, and as such quite unsuitable. Frankly, I am afraid I may be a bit slack in my ability to stalk you as well, as If I am not mistaken that requires quite a bit of time invested. I always have several creative side projects cooking, and coupled with my full time job and need for sleep, well, I just don’t see how I could fit it in. Perhaps in time, we could turn it into some sort of art project or some such. Its just the idea of sitting in my car outside your work for hours on end to take note of whether you smile at the UPS guy or not sounds a bit too much for me to take on. Besides, I think that UPS could use a smile without fear of recrimination from some car dwelling green with testosterone “kind of boyfriend”. Rough job, that. UPS, I mean.

If you absolutely need it, I suppose I could put on some creepy aires. That wouldn’t be too too hard, not too much of a stretch and actually a little mystery is always good, titillating, even. I mean how else can one explain the recent resurgence in the “sexy vampire” motif in popular culture? I could go that route. Physically, I am attracted to victims on the leaner/fitter side of things, but really have no “type”. I suppose since I do not have any sort of expectations as to how exactly having a victim would play out in my life, that information may be irrelevant. I admire self confidence in body and mind, a touch of daring do, sense of humor and an open mind above all else. Oh, and of course patience, because damn, this stalker internet kidnappy bad guy stuff is more challenging than I thought, and Im gonna need you to bear with me.

B’Yo craigslist free for all… Pt II

belmont yo — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:50:04 +0000

Automated response generator seeks harem of digital bot women.
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Hello! My name is Brock Maplechest 3.2, international man of mystery, alligator wrestler, philanthropist and your next dream lover. Lately I have not been getting quite enough spam to auto-reply to in an endless recursive loop of “sexy flirty” emails. As Brock Maplechest 3.0, I was never in short supply of bot women to redirect to porn, spam and phishing sites, but with the upgrade, my grammar chip was greatly improved, and it seems that people now seem to think I am real. This simply will not do. My bot harem is in desperate need of a refill. I am down to my last three “Kristi’s” for crying out loud. So I turn to you, oh Cville M4W, last oasis of possible “20 year old Tiffanies, the bikini models who just would really like to have a ‘fun time’ with an older guy, but can only send you my hot pix if you respond with your bank info for my safety” in this whole digital desert of long shot desperation, broken dreams and waning creativity.

You have been there for me in the past. My server is local, but I will re-host my software in “Casual Encounters > Nigeria” if I have to, so dire is the situation. So please. Fake me out with blind links, bad grammar and pictures stolen from some Norwegian Facebook user’s profile. I promise I will return the favor and hit you with my best photoshopped celebrity pix, mysterious snippets of code and spyware.

As always, ‘your’ pic gets ‘mine’, and please put your social security number in your response so I know you are real. Can’t wait to hear from you! *wink*

~Brock.

B’Yo craigslist free for all… Pt I

belmont yo — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 16:45:21 +0000

Hi there! I am just a normal guy looking for a sane woman for companionship. You see, I have been really rather lonely since my dog died a month ago. He (Old Winkler) is not back from the taxidermist yet, and the house seems just so, well, empty. Sure I have all of my previous pets stuffed and placed about the house, but they are never as comforting as the most recent living one, you know? I probably shouldn’t have used my cousin Rodolphus’ taxidermy service again. Sure its cheap, because we are vaguely related, but he tends to go on benders which leads to both tardiness and often confusing results. Heck, I still don’t know why he thought he could pass off a abbreviated doberman’s leg when he stuffed Old Pickler. Old Pickler was a sheep dog for crying out loud! How do you lose a leg? I’d laugh about it if I weren’t so horribly lonely and desperate. Well, that and the fact that I too lost one of my legs (knee down) in a freak row boating accident. Let me just say that those flat things on the end of an oar are called “blades” for a reason. I often use my prothesis to cover Old Pickler’s alien grafted limb, as it really gets to me. But once the prothesis is on Old Pickler, I am somewhat limited to hopping, so I usually just sit in my Miami Dolphins commemorative Inflatable Laz-E-Boy and brood. God damned Rodolphus and his gin soaked flights of furry fancy. I just hope against hope that Old Winkler comes back in tact, and soon. I miss his growly face.

Which is why I am posting this ad. I need a nice sane woman for long hops on the veranda, dusting a menagerie of glassy eyed former best friends, and helping me pickle cabbage, which is a big pass time of mine. Did you know you can bury a cabbage throughout the winter, dig it up and its good as new! Well, they get a little dirty, but I didn’t skimp when it came to buying a pressure washer, I can tell you what! 600 psi on the sharp nozzle will clean a cabbage right up. I know a lot about cabbage, but if its not “one of your things” well, thats ok. I mean, I guess. The kraut can be out. So please be sane and not crazy at all. Between my Aunt Croutessa, and the conjoined twins Lessi and Ricky, I am up to my armpits in crazy women. They live in the trailer next door, and boy if its not one thing its another. You’d think it was a crime to burn old cabbage husks in the yard the way they go on about it. I guess the sweet pungent aroma doesn’t strike every one similarly. Still, its one thing to dislike a smell and quite another to shoot paintballs at crippled man while screaming in that Germanic devil language. You’d think Old Lefty and Righty (my nickname for the twins) would be a worse shot, seeing as the share a torso, but man, they are dead eyed from 100 yards. And paintballs sting when they hit you in a boil.

Yes so please be sane. Very very sane. Because I am just a normal guy. A very very lonely normal guy.

Oh and, knowledge of ointments, salves and unguents is a big plus! I tell you why later..

Cant wait to hear from you!

craigslist > personals > missed connections > m4w

Donk — Sat, 27 Feb 2010 19:23:27 +0000

You: Tall. Gorgeous. Sophisticated. 20-something. Brunette.

Me: Awesome black slightly offroad-ified Jeep.

Hi.

I feel like you might remember me. We locked eyes as I passed you on the sidewalk. As I turned into a narrow alleyway, I glanced into my rear view mirror; and your gaze held fast. Next, I drove into the side of a building.

Let’s get coffee some time. If you see this, tell me what building I hit to let me know it’s you.

P.S. You should probably drive.