TXTNLY

Hi there! I am just a normal guy looking for a sane woman for companionship. You see, I have been really rather lonely since my dog died a month ago. He (Old Winkler) is not back from the taxidermist yet, and the house seems just so, well, empty. Sure I have all of my previous pets stuffed and placed about the house, but they are never as comforting as the most recent living one, you know? I probably shouldn’t have used my cousin Rodolphus’ taxidermy service again. Sure its cheap, because we are vaguely related, but he tends to go on benders which leads to both tardiness and often confusing results. Heck, I still don’t know why he thought he could pass off a abbreviated doberman’s leg when he stuffed Old Pickler. Old Pickler was a sheep dog for crying out loud! How do you lose a leg? I’d laugh about it if I weren’t so horribly lonely and desperate. Well, that and the fact that I too lost one of my legs (knee down) in a freak row boating accident. Let me just say that those flat things on the end of an oar are called “blades” for a reason. I often use my prothesis to cover Old Pickler’s alien grafted limb, as it really gets to me. But once the prothesis is on Old Pickler, I am somewhat limited to hopping, so I usually just sit in my Miami Dolphins commemorative Inflatable Laz-E-Boy and brood. God damned Rodolphus and his gin soaked flights of furry fancy. I just hope against hope that Old Winkler comes back in tact, and soon. I miss his growly face.

Which is why I am posting this ad. I need a nice sane woman for long hops on the veranda, dusting a menagerie of glassy eyed former best friends, and helping me pickle cabbage, which is a big pass time of mine. Did you know you can bury a cabbage throughout the winter, dig it up and its good as new! Well, they get a little dirty, but I didn’t skimp when it came to buying a pressure washer, I can tell you what! 600 psi on the sharp nozzle will clean a cabbage right up. I know a lot about cabbage, but if its not “one of your things” well, thats ok. I mean, I guess. The kraut can be out. So please be sane and not crazy at all. Between my Aunt Croutessa, and the conjoined twins Lessi and Ricky, I am up to my armpits in crazy women. They live in the trailer next door, and boy if its not one thing its another. You’d think it was a crime to burn old cabbage husks in the yard the way they go on about it. I guess the sweet pungent aroma doesn’t strike every one similarly. Still, its one thing to dislike a smell and quite another to shoot paintballs at crippled man while screaming in that Germanic devil language. You’d think Old Lefty and Righty (my nickname for the twins) would be a worse shot, seeing as the share a torso, but man, they are dead eyed from 100 yards. And paintballs sting when they hit you in a boil.

Yes so please be sane. Very very sane. Because I am just a normal guy. A very very lonely normal guy.

Oh and, knowledge of ointments, salves and unguents is a big plus! I tell you why later..

Cant wait to hear from you!