TXTNLY

Novice CL kidnapper/stalker/creep seeks extremely patient victim.
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Seeing as my life has gotten into a bit of a routine of late, I thought I might shake things up and try some new things socially. And what better place to shake things up than on good old craigslist personals? What better place indeed. As I have been doing my dutiful research for this new endeavor, it has occurred to me that only two types of folks seem to permeate this forgotten little corner of the internet. There are the porn site / traps / blackmail schemes on the women’s side, and the men of dubious character and intent on the other. Yes, I realize that there await blowjobs a’ plenty over in m4m, and the occasional grad student “looking to explore” over in w4w, but seeing as I was born with external genitalia, specifically of the nature that is aroused by folks of the opposite sex, those two segments of this lovely population are of rather little use to me. Interesting, and oft very amusing, to be true but of very little utility. Well, I dont run a porn, or any internet site for that matter, so posing as a nubile young sybarite looking for NSA fun from older overweight hairy men will do me no good. I am sure that by now you can see this leaves me with only one remaining option – stalker creepy guy of dubious intent. In life this would not be my first choice for a variety of reasons, but as they say, the only is the only, so soldier on I will and must.

The trouble with being shunted into this central casting character type, is that I find myself woefully unprepared. And this, dear potential victims, is the understatement of the year. Allow me to elucidate.

I have scrutinized the ad rituals in my little pigeon hole and observed several dominant themes. First and foremost, apparently I must lie about nearly everything. The most prevalent lie seems to be that of omission, mostly in the form of extremely short blunt ads. It were as if these suitors were of such an urgency to find their juliet (or juliet for the night as the case may be), that they had not the time to even toss a few meager punctuation marks into their little ascii text box for good measure. Im sure this serves the purpose of not having to mention their extensive criminal record, their extra limb, their collection of finch carcasses or some other delicate yet deal breaking fact, but still. Is a complete sentence too much to ask in the name of love, or at least lust? As you have no doubt garnered by now, I have a tendency to be quite verbose, languishing over lascivious language being a penchant of mine. Clearly, obscurity through brevity is not an option for me. A pity, really.

But enough of things that are short yet should be long, let us address the converse, which is lie number two. It seems a common enough tradition of us in the M4W tab to produce, in all it’s pixellated glory, a stunning representation of our penis. Well, *a* penis anyway, as usually these are detached from any sort of context. I certainly have no sense of shame when it comes to my body, and am rather fond of my penis actually, but a general sense of decency precludes me from providing such a display to you all en masse. Any of my previous lovers were certainly welcome to capture its image to their Mapplethorpe-y heart’s content. But here? Now? Well, I told you I was a novice. I suppose I could borrow one from a gay porn site or some such, there certainly seems to be no shortage of a range of body parts on the internet, but the thought of wading through the multitudes of denuded scrotundae and glistening shafts of light is frankly, a bit off putting tome at the moment. I hope you will forgive my lapse in this additional area.

Ah and the lapses continue to pile up…

I could lie about being single, but seeing as I am actually single, it’s acuity as a lie is, well, ridiculous. Similarly, I could lie about having a decent, somewhat interesting professional job, being college educated, owning my own home, being tall and fit, all my hair and teeth, being socially at ease in any milieu… but… oh what the hell. Damn it.

Hmm, there must be something. Ooohh I got it! I am fabulously rich beyond your wildest dreams, and not at all on a rather middle class budget. Also, I am a non smoker, and dont at all enjoy the occasional cigarette at a respectable distance from anyone that may be offended by such behavior. There. There’s two at least. That should count for something.

So then, thats about the best CV I can muster as an aspiring CL stalker creepy guy of dubious intent. I suppose I should say a few words regarding my interests in a potential victim. How difficult! First off, if you actually would like to be kidnapped, I am afraid I cannot oblige you seeing as my basement is unfinished, and as such quite unsuitable. Frankly, I am afraid I may be a bit slack in my ability to stalk you as well, as If I am not mistaken that requires quite a bit of time invested. I always have several creative side projects cooking, and coupled with my full time job and need for sleep, well, I just don’t see how I could fit it in. Perhaps in time, we could turn it into some sort of art project or some such. Its just the idea of sitting in my car outside your work for hours on end to take note of whether you smile at the UPS guy or not sounds a bit too much for me to take on. Besides, I think that UPS could use a smile without fear of recrimination from some car dwelling green with testosterone “kind of boyfriend”. Rough job, that. UPS, I mean.

If you absolutely need it, I suppose I could put on some creepy aires. That wouldn’t be too too hard, not too much of a stretch and actually a little mystery is always good, titillating, even. I mean how else can one explain the recent resurgence in the “sexy vampire” motif in popular culture? I could go that route. Physically, I am attracted to victims on the leaner/fitter side of things, but really have no “type”. I suppose since I do not have any sort of expectations as to how exactly having a victim would play out in my life, that information may be irrelevant. I admire self confidence in body and mind, a touch of daring do, sense of humor and an open mind above all else. Oh, and of course patience, because damn, this stalker internet kidnappy bad guy stuff is more challenging than I thought, and Im gonna need you to bear with me.