Archive for October, 2009

Transportation: To The Next World

How I had come to live with Ted Morrow in a storage shed in Isla Vista California is an epic tale that I will save for another time, but suffice it to say, he was one of my closest friends. I mean, you would kind of have to be under the circumstances. He was a big black guy with a mowhawk, an easy smile and a off beat sense of humor. He was an extremely talented musician, playing congas mostly, but also tearing apart a bass from time to time. In fact, it was the band that he was in’s practice space, the shed, which we called home for a good six month stretch.

We had been through quite a bit considering the brief 2-3 years I knew him. The stories of shed life alone could fill some pages, but I will go you one better. Once he and I had been detained on suspicion of murder. I kid you not. Isla Vista is just north of Santa Barbara, adjacent to the UC school there. While I wouldn’t call it a sleepy town, it being the most densely populated square mile west of the Mississippi, I wouldn’t exactly call it crime ridden. The police blotter there reads more like minor in possession, public urination, property crime and maybe the occasional date rape thrown in for spice. So when an older couple were robbed and one was killed up the coast about a mile it was big big news. And what sensation.! The story had built itself in the press like this: Man and woman are sitting on the beach, enjoying the fresh pacific air, when they are approached by two men, one white, one black. White man says “Do you have any marijuana?”. When they said that they did not, black man draws a gun and shoots male in the head – killing him instantly. The suspects then fled the scene. See what I mean? Crazed drug addicts out of control, murder in broad daylight, this story had everything. It almost had us.
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Fuck you, mailman.

Fuck you, mailman.

For about two years, I have been locked in an unending battle with my mailman. Sure, he plays it all nonchalant, pretending to be unaware of our struggle; but he knows. Oh, he knows.

The problem with being at war with your mailman, is that he already has you hostage by the time you are aware of an issue. I could call to complain, but I can’t foresee that paying out any dividend other than even worse service. You see, my mailman is lazy. I can only suspect that he’s holding my mail, as I’m pretty sure that mail delivery is supposed to happen more than once or twice a week. However, I can’t really prove that. More irritatingly, he doesn’t pick up outgoing mail unless he has something to drop off. My Netflix suffers immeasurably by this. To really twist the knife, he will drop off mail in my neighbors mailbox, about 5 feet away; but he’ll be damned before he grabs the outgoing mail from my own.

So, what do you do when held hostage by your mailman? Bear trap? False floor to a pit? Pay some unknown ransom? Remove the black widow that lives in my mailbox?

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Cultivating misery

As I was dressing myself in all black again this morning I started thinking about my own interminable sense of self-loathing. I really think I am getting it down to a science! My Joy Division records all have scratches in them, the PBR is flat for some reason, and I’m out of clove cigarettes. To make matters worse, all my friends want to do is have fun. I went to a standup comedy show last night at BelRio and actually laughed. I felt so guilty for enjoying myself that I had to throw up when I got home. Only I couldn’t throw up ’cause I hadn’t eaten all day. This just depressed me, and then I felt better so I went to sleep with dreams of hate and despair floating through my brain.

Happy Thursday!

[photo credit]

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Lorem Ipsum Dolor Sit Amet

Post your links, rants, and slanderous accusations here.

I’ll start.

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Meet Stumpy.

AJ Stumpy Johnson

I’d like to introduce you to my pet squirrel, AJ ‘Stumpy’ Johnson. Some of you may recognize that name as belonging to the band manager/pimp of one of my all time favorites, the 2 Skinnee J’s. The rest of you simply cannot be helped.
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